Different Learning Speeds

I know that children develop at different levels and speeds and that they’re not all ready to learn the same thing at the same time. I try to remember this and not panic when progress seems slow (or even non-existent). I’m okay with where they’re at . . . . until a well-meaning friend or relative makes a comment like “I’m surprised that she can’t even till time yet.” Is it really okay for my kids to be behind their peers?

Most of us start dealing with these kinds of questions and comments as soon as our children are born. What parent hasn’t heard “How is potty training going? Is she still nursing? Can he write his own name yet?” Most people seem to have some sort of timetable they think children should follow, and they expect us all to share it. We need to remember that there are many versions of this timetable. A mother whose child walked at nine months may be surprised that yours is still crawling on his first birthday, but someone whose child started walking at 14 months will tell you to relax and enjoy the wait. Someone with a product to sell may emphasize how early a skill can be mastered. Someone from one culture may have very different expectations than someone raised in another country or culture. So even if we wanted to make sure that our child was developing “normally” we’d first have to decide which standards to use-who to compare her to.

Although children develop at different rates, eventually their skills do even out. If you take a room full of four year olds, you can’t tell which ones were early walkers or fast potty trainers and which were late or slow. Look at a group of teens and try to determine at what age they learned to multiply. A child who is “behind” or “slow” in an area will often make dramatic progress when he or she does master the skill, bringing them up to the “average” level very quickly. It’s unreasonable to assume that all children will be ready to learn the exact same things at the exact same time, based only on their age. Some children seem to develop more slowly or more quickly than others in everything, while others develop in stop-and-go spurts. A child may currently have no interest in reading, but excel in math. Chances are that later on progress in math will slow down and the reading will pick up. Should we forbid our child to work on algebra because he’s not yet up to grade level on spelling? It’s very important to look at what our child does well, rather than just at what he’s having trouble with.

But what if there really is something wrong with the child? It is possible that a child is slow because of an un-diagnosed physical or mental disability, but we need to base our concerns on more than just the local school district standards. Being so close to our children, we can often tell if they are actually unable to do something or are simply not ready or not interested. We can see the child’s development and progress as a whole, rather than just one skill. There’s nothing wrong with getting an evaluation if you're concerned—for example, an eye exam for a late reader. But there’s probably no need to worry about a child who is generally happy and healthy and developing well in every other way but is not yet able to tell time. There are many factors other than intelligence or ability that may affect how well a child does certain tasks at certain times. For example, a child who is stubborn or shy or tired may not respond well when asked a question or asked to do something -– just because the child doesn’t “perform” well for someone doesn’t necessarily mean that he hasn’t mastered those skills.

Even if your child is consistently slow in everything, there’s nothing wrong with that! In order to come up with an “average” age for certain accomplishments, there must be some kids who reach that milestone earlier and others who reach it later. Someone has to be at the “later” end of the scale and all that means is that he or she learns a little more slowly or a little later than the other children in that group. We don’t usually criticize children who are later than average with physical development such as losing teeth or starting puberty, so why do some people think it’s okay to criticize those who are later than average with educational developments?

Remember that people who look for problems in other people’s children probably won’t ever be fully satisfied. If you were to explain that your ten-year-old is reading and discussing Shakespeare, designing Internet web sites, selling hand-made jewelry, and winning awards at gymnastics, some well-meaning person would still point out that “she’s not very good at multiplication, is she?”

If you tend to run into these kinds of comments frequently, it’s important to help your children understand them so they won’t take them personally. Explain that some people think all children should follow a certain schedule, but that your family doesn’t agree with that idea. Assure your kids that you are comfortable with their development and that other people just don’t know them well enough to evaluate them. You may even want to plan ahead and come up with some sample answers to use, such as:

• He’s doing fine, but we prefer not to discuss his development with strangers.
• She’s doing fine, but thanks for your interest.
• We’re emphasizing other areas right now.
• He’s making progress with that.
• What makes you ask that?
• Let her tell you about the spelling bee (one of the child’s strengths).
• We’re using different standards, and he’s right where he should be.

Copyright © 2007 by Barbara Klapperich Senn